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Looking for advice

December 4, 2007

*Update*

I ended up speaking with her and it went very well.  She apologized and said that the warning I had given her regarding the ‘screamer’ had come true and that for a few months now she’s been feeling badly about the whole situation, and how she had left it with me.  I’m glad I listened, and am now moving on. Thank you all for your input!

So, There’s this thing from my past.. now don’t get any ideas.. I didn’t do anything bad…

When I left my old and loved *up until a few months before we left, neighborhood I was thankful to say goodbye to a painful part of my life… that pain actually lead me to starting this blog…

to sum it up without giving out too much info..

I had a tiff (which is seriously putting it lightly… picture insults being screamed at me and my husband regarding our parenting, marriage, and children on our front porch, with several other neighbors witnessing this) with some neighbors and supposed good friends.. and it started on the day we celebrated my birthday (which was the day before my actual birthday)… I felt attacked.. the situation came as a complete surprise to me and basically my 2 best friends in my neighborhood turned their backs on me and our several years long friendship.

Moving to PA gave me a fresh clean start, and a way to leave that pain behind me. I have kept in touch with my other good friends in NC, even some in my old neighborhood, like my dear running partner Heather… but I’ve slowly been chipping away at that sore that’s still on my heart left by the previous ‘best’ friends. This January 13th marks 1 year since it all started.. and I have so been looking forward to passing that date… moving onward and into better friendships.

This morning though, I received an email from one of the people (not the public insult slinger) who hurt me so badly… that says this…

Hello Michelle,
I hope this email finds you doing well in Pa and that you and your family are enjoying the holiday to come with planning and decorating. Please take a moment to read my email and not hit delete as I am sure your wanting to do right now.

There are so many things I want to say and share with you but I know here is just not the best way to do it. Too much typing. Lately I have been trying to figure out a way to say a few things. It is very different you are not across the street. At Halloween it just was not the same and now Christmas has brought other memories of the fun you shared. All I will say it recently some things have happened and I feel the need to talk to you. You may not want to and I understand if you do not. I contacted Heather for your email as I had no contact information for you. If you feel so inclined call me and let’s talk but if you don’t can’t say I do not blame you there either.
Hope to hear from you,

SO…

My question is this… SHOULD I contact her? I’m a Christian. I believe in the power of forgiveness. I believe that God will forgive all things, and that I should try to also. But sometimes my faith in forgiveness falters because the pain is too much.

I did actually send an email that says this:

Thank you for writing. But I’m not so sure I can talk to you. 2007 is a year that started with pain and was full of goodbyes, and I have been looking forward to the fresh start that PA has offered us, and the fresh start of a new year without the reminders of things past. My birthday will mark a day when I can finally put all of the insanity of Subdivision name I’m removing for anonymity and the pain it gave me, in my last months there, behind me.

While I admit to being curious… I just don’t know if I can handle going there right now.

Curiosity killed the cat they say… and right now it’s driving me batty… what do you all think???

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. December 4, 2007 10:01 am

    I had an experiance similar to this- although the hateful and malicious things she said were about me to everyone that we knew (our friends). So, while everyone knew why she was mad, I didn’t. After I found out (one of our friends- who I worked with- let it slip), I sent an email, telling her that I was sorry, but that the fact that she didn’t tell me these things, hurt me. And that I didn’t want to be involved in that kind of energy. We saw each other a couple times after that, but the closeness was gone- I didn’t trust her anymore. And I’m sure that she didn’t trust me. So, I guess, I would just let it go- if she emails again, I would tell her that you have moved on, and you hope that she can to. That’s my little piece of advise. And now I know your birthday 🙂

  2. December 4, 2007 10:39 am

    The problem with the situation “driving you batty” is that you are going to put more energy into the situation than it deserves.

    My recommendation is contact her. If she is appologising for her part in the situation, then thank her and say goodbye. If she wants to justify her actions, then say I am not interested and hang up.

    If you think this is someone that will continue to bother you if the situation doesn’t work out, call from someplace other than your home or cell phone. You can always block e–mails too.

    Good luck. The important thing is that you go forward with no regrets.

    Lisa

  3. chanknits permalink
    December 4, 2007 11:04 am

    Well-said, Lisa. I know your curiousity will drive you crazy. Hear her out, and then move on. Just because you listen to her and even forgive her, doesn’t mean you have to give her to power to hurt you again.

  4. December 4, 2007 11:21 am

    Maybe you could see what she has to say. After all it started in 2007 and it could find closure in 2007 too. I’m not suggesting you restart the friendship nor that things will go back to how they were. They probably won’t but it could start 2008 off a little better than anticipation of the anniversary.

    I had a falling out with a best friend 11 years ago. She’s contacted me a few times to get together and talk but all she did was complain. I didn’t let her shots at me bother me and I got over it quickly. It was unfortunate but the relationship had run its course. I moved on.

    It’s not an easy decision. Wishing you the best.

  5. December 4, 2007 11:23 am

    I agree with Lisa. Maybe make sure that you have someone supportive with you when you make the call? It’s always better when you have someone there to lend you strength and to remind you that you’re not alone when you’re dealing with something difficult.

    ((hugs))

  6. December 4, 2007 5:54 pm

    I’ve had this happen in a similar situation with my best friend. We had a falling out because we were both changing, hers being more hardcore (drugs) and mine a little more culturally (punk) and because of the drugs, I became more distant. She called me on this and called me a number of things. Recently she contact me on my blog – posting a comment saying that finding it made her cry about all the memories we had. I emailed her back (hesitantly like you, but curious) and it led no where. We never discussed what the problem had been really, we just sort of “updated” and realized it had been too long (3 years) and stopped emailing. Very boring and unfulfilling. It was a lot easier with email as I could think about what I was writing, and re-read.

    I agree that you should use your best judgment. If you don’t want to hear excuses and petty defenses because of a guilty conscience, you don’t have to. If she wants to talk to you and apologize, you don’t have to listen if yu don’t want to. You can if you want. Definitely have a support system when you call, even if it’s just a “holler” from the next room that forces you to have to go.

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